


Your Footsteps in the Sand

by Papillon87



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: 69, Aged-Up Character(s), Anal Sex, Break Up, Don’t Shout at Me, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I mean it - don't shout at me, Light Dom/sub, M/M, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE, More Fluff, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Sexual Content, Smut, Subspace, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:34:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22683295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Papillon87/pseuds/Papillon87
Summary: ‘Bin.'He tries to turn and nearly lands in Dongmin’s arms.‘Bin. Do you want me to drive you home?’He almost hates Dongmin at that moment. His composure, his clear skin and expensive clothes, the aura of success encircling him.Bin knows by now that failure has a smell too. People can't pinpoint it, can't name it – but they fear it as if it was contagious. Once someone catches a whiff of it on you, that’s it. You are doomed.Dongmin is looking at him softly. ‘Come with me, I will bring you home.’He eyes his ex-love, sober and immaculate, standing patiently in front of him, and burns with shame. ‘You don’t need to-’‘It’s fine, come on.’
Relationships: Kim Myungjun | MJ/Moon Bin, Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin, Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin/Park Minhyuk | Rocky
Comments: 35
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

_He dreams._

_The pale green of the meadow is stretching in front of him, seemingly into eternity, bleeding gently into the azure sky on the horizon._

_Soft and warm, the tall blades of grass are swishing under his palms as he walks._

_The sun is beating down mercilessly, heating his skin; he can feel dampness rising from the ground, the warm smell of earth filling his lungs. In the absence of other sounds, the sharp chirping of crickets is deafening. There is no tweeting of birds, no soft whisper of voices – nothing._

_It’s just him and expanses of green everywhere the eye can reach._

_And then he is no longer alone._

_Myungjun is lying in front of him, his bare skin golden against the softness of the grass. Eyes closed, he looks like a sleeping elf, a beautiful creature from another world, left behind by a cruel twist of fate._

_He halts to a stop._

_It’s too much – the sight is making him dizzy. It’s like looking at another sun, a twin of the golden giant above his head that fell from the sky into the soft, pliant grass at his feet._

_Myungjun slowly opens his eyes._

_‘It’s so hot,’ he whispers softly. ‘Can you feel it?’_

_He finds he can’t tear his gaze away – from Myungjun’s eyes, the curve of his cheeks, from his lips. Like the softest fruit ripened under the baking sun, Myungjun’s lips are everything._

_Everything feels wrong in his head. He shouldn’t be here, feeling light-headed while naked Myungjun is watching him with a knowing smile._

_He knows he shouldn’t but, oh, sometimes we have to._

_He sinks to his knees, like a man dying from thirst after seeing a mountain spring._

_Myungjun’s eyes are drawing him in, a siren spell in his voice pulling him closer. ‘It’s ok.’_

_And he throws himself in, like a man diving into the cold rapids of a rushing river because if he doesn’t, he will die._

_Because he has to._

_…………………….._

_With a gasp, he wakes up._

_At first, the darkness is disorientating but, slowly, the familiar warmth of his own bed pulls him back to reality._

_Thin strips of light filtering in through the blinds paint a sharp geometric pattern on the crumpled bed sheets. Next to him, Dongmin shifts a little in his sleep, slinging one arm over his chest._

_Despite the cool night air streaming in through a window cracked open, he can feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He can’t breathe. He needs to get out._

_Carefully disentangling himself from underneath Dongmin’s arm, he slips out of bed and heads for the bathroom._

_The sharp neon light blinds his eyes momentarily but he needs it; the wake-up call, the slap across the face._

_Bin stares at himself in the mirror, eyes blurry._

_Can you cheat in a dream?_

…………………………

The bar is crowded, the air thick and humid with the aroma of too may bodies crammed together in one space.

Bin wipes his sweaty palms against his jeans. Maybe this was not such a great idea after all; maybe he should turn around and leave before anyone sees him, before he can read the hate in their eyes, the contempt…

‘Hey, Binnie-hyung!’

Too late.

Sanha’s beaming face is coming at him through the crowd, the puppy-like, eager smile making Bin’s stomach twist.

‘Hyung! You came!’

He envelops Bin into an awkward hug, all broad shoulders and unfamiliar angles. Bin can't believe that there were times when they were able to recognise each other’s bodies with their eyes shut. That they all used to be so close.

Some perhaps closer than the others. He can still recall the feel of Dongmin’s body under his palms, the curve of his hips, the taste of his mouth.

Myungjun’s too – but he doesn’t like dwelling on those memories too much.

Hastily, he untangles himself from Sanha’s embrace, putting on his best, brightest smile. ‘Congratulations! This is a great day! How was the graduation ceremony?’

‘Long,’ grins Sanha. ‘Mum cried buckets. She said she never thought I would turn things around so well…after we disbanded…’

He pauses, horrified, but Bin keeps smiling. It’s the only way to go.

‘It’s ok, Sanha, you can mention it in front of me. It’s been five years after all.’

Sanha’s shoulders relax and he gives Bin a wobbly smile, the innocence of it still the same, even after all those years, even if it looks different now, more manly, all cheekbones and finely defined chin, the chubby cheeks gone.

‘Come,’ the younger grabs Bin’s wrist. ‘Meet the others.’

………….………………

The evening is a blur, hazed, partly down to alcohol that is now numbing the edges of Bin’s consciousness. He needs it to be able to make it through the night alive.

Myungjun wasn’t able to come and Bin is deeply grateful for that – it makes things easier, although he is barely coping as it is.

Sanha is glowing, seemingly unaware of the tension coagulating around them, thicker then the stickiness in the air from spilled drinks and sweat and too much flirting on a Friday night

After Bin catches a couple of anxious glances on Sanha’s face, he knows that the maknae is putting on a show – the boy is not as clueless as he seems then – but this is Sanha’s desperate attempt at reincarnating the past, at having his _family_ around him once more, a family that means the same to him as the one forged by blood.

Bin can't begrudge the boy this wish, not on his graduation day, not when his young face glows with a renewed hope of good times ahead.

So he keeps buying the rounds – even if he knows he can't afford it, not when he depends on Rocky’s charity these days – and listens to Sanha’s plans, to his excitement about joining the rooster of young and passionate teachers at Myungjun’s small but exclusive academy for performing arts, where the boy is going to be teaching guitar, starting next term.

After a while, Sanha’s beaming happiness becomes too much and Bin turns to Jinwoo, even if his insides quiver a little with fear.

Jinwoo is friendly but carefully distant – Bin can still feel the thin glass the leader had put between them five years ago when Myungjun had enlisted and then announced his departure from the group shortly afterwards.

The furious anger from back then had evaporated a long time ago - Bin can't detect any traces of it coming from Jinwoo any more – but the beautiful bond of the old friendship is gone. The closeness, the intimacy they used to have - like the room they used to share – it’s all been destroyed, shattered like a tiny glass ornament dropped on the floor.

He nurses his beer and stubbornly keeps talking to Jinwoo though – stilted, awkward exchanges that are almost painful – because everything is better than watching Dongmin’s hand on Rocky’s waist, the way Rocky looks at his boyfriend with the same adoring, breathless smile with which he used to stare at him back in their pre-debut days, when Dongmin was new and dazzling and they all had fallen in love with him a little.

In theory, this all should be old news. His recent collaborations with Rocky - more frequent because of Rocky’s pity, not because he is that good, not anymore – exposed him to enough information about Rocky’s life. He knows that Dongmin and him now live together and have just bought a new, bigger place, one of those posh apartments in Gangnam, all glass and sleek steel.

No, he is not bitter. The sting that he felt shortly after they had disbanded - when Dongmin landed almost immediately in Rocky’s arms – that has mostly passed.

He can't really blame Dongmin. They both tried to patch things up at first but the word _cheater_ seemed to have stayed emblazoned on Bin’s forehead like a brand mark singed into his skin and their relationship was never the same, never really recovered after Myungjun told them he was leaving the group and everybody was grappling with the shock and Bin, on the spur of the moment, decided to come clean to everyone about what happened.

That particular memory he doesn’t re-visit very often. The hurt in Dongmin’s eyes when he listened to Bin’s pleas for forgiveness. The pain in Myungjun’s – a different one but eerily similar – when he heard Bin’s words that their affair meant nothing to him. The fury Jinwoo was barely able to conceal. The disillusionment, so clear in the way Sanha’s shoulders slackened upon hearing the news. The infinite sadness on Rocky’s face.

He doesn’t blame Dongmin, the love of his life. And he doesn’t blame Rocky, his best friend and Bin’s soul mate since they were kids. If him and Dongmin found comfort in each other, Bin is happy for them.

But happiness can be lonely.

Happiness can be jealous too.

………..………………..

‘How does it feel being the secret boyfriend of the famous Cha Eunwoo?’

‘Mostly I pretend I don’t exist.’

There is no trace of bitterness in Rocky’s voice; he seems to have accepted that the ‘face of Korea’ can't afford a public coming-out-of-the-closet at the moment and looks rather content with what he has – Dongmin’s love in private.

‘His parents like me though.’

‘You have met Dongmin’s parents? They know?’

Rocky shrugs lightly. ‘Yeah, he came out to them maybe a year after we disbanded. It wasn’t that easy at first but eventually they came around. He introduced me shortly afterwards; I guess he hoped to drop the bombs all in one go,’ he laughs a little shyly.

Bin doesn’t say anything. He always liked Dongmin’s parents; they made him feel welcome whenever he came to visit, loved him as Dongmin’s best friend – but it stings that he wasn’t there to support Dongmin at that crucial moment in his life, when he could finally stop pretending, at least in front of his family.

They sit – collapsed, breathless - on the scratched floor of Rocky’s dance studio. The choreography is shaping up nicely, they have bashed out the main outline, the formations, most of the steps. Some transitions still don’t feel smooth and Bin will work on them tomorrow. Rocky, however, is moving onto something else. He can’t afford to spend too much time on choreos for rookie groups; his reputation by now is huge; everyone is clamouring to have his unmistakable stamp on their routines.

That’s where Bin comes in, their shared past meaning they know each other well enough to produce work that appears seamless, homogenous.

‘You are the only one I trust.’

He can still hear Rocky’s voice, earnest, pleading. How much of it was genuine and how much could have been attributed to Rocky’s pity he doesn’t know – but after a string of dead-end jobs and a pile of unpaid bills growing on his rickety kitchen table, he couldn't exactly be picky.

And so he said yes. Yes to working for his former best friend who used to look up to him in the past but who has become a famous name in the dance circles since then and who is now holding Dongmin in his arms every night, his first love.

_……………………………_

‘ _Hyung, come on! Your spin was out of sync again!’_

_Rocky’s voice is sharp but it’s exasperation more than anything else. They don’t have much time; the comeback is too close, things have to get done – everyone is getting jittery._

_The sweat is trickling down Bin’s neck and he wipes it away wearily, ‘Sorry, Rocky, I don’t what’s wrong with me today. Let’s go over that bit again, ok?’_

_He can feel, rather than see, Sanha rolling his eyes. Jinjin behind him sighs, a quiet resignation in his exhale, but says nothing and gets into position again.._

_Flashing them his dimpled smile, Rocky is back to his pleasant self. ‘One more time, ok? Then we can have a break.’_

_Everybody perks up after hearing that._

_Bin focuses so hard his brain almost hurts but they manage to get through the routine without mishaps on anyone’s part._

_Dongmin flops down, face flushed. Bin has watched him a bit worriedly while dancing – he always worries about him when they’re learning a new choreography – but today his boyfriend seems fine and Bin’s anxious heart slowly unclenches._

_Bin knows Dongmin doesn’t really like dancing that much. He is humble enough to know there is a lot of room for improvement and works hard to get better – but he is also painfully aware of the years Rocky and Bin spent dancing which he never had._

_‘Even if I was incredibly talented – which I am not – it takes years to perfect certain things. I will never be really good.’_

_Dongmin is not stupid – every one of his words rings true and Bin’s heart breaks a little at the sound of quiet resignation in his voice._

_Bin thinks of the depressing statement uttered merely days ago and remembers how Dongmin smiled at him afterwards, the genuine smile, not the polite version reserved for fan meets and interviews._

_‘I will work hard; I don’t want to let you down. There is no point trying to get as good as you are but I will make sure I don’t look like a moron on stage.’_

_Bin shuffles closer and puts his head into Dongmin’s lap. His boyfriend’s fingers start carding slowly through his hair._

_After a moment, the fingers pause. ‘Are you ok, Binnie? You seemed a little… out of it today.’_

_There is nothing behind Dongmin’s careful question, only gentle concern, but Bin’s cheeks grow hot._

_He is out of it, has been for weeks now. It’s becoming harder to hide it now, the way his thoughts always come back to Myungjun, to his slight frame and delicate, long fingers. To his beautiful lips._

_‘I’m ok, Min,’ he closes his eyes. It’s easier to lie with your eyes closed. ‘I’m just worried about the comeback and haven’t been sleeping well. I guess I'm just tired.’_

……………………………

The evening grows late. It’s the swaying sensation inside his head that tells Bin he really should stop drinking and maybe go home but he needs the numbness the alcohol brings, the oblivion enveloping his brain in a merciful fog.

‘Bin?’

He tries to turn, not very successfully, and nearly lands in Dongmin’s arms.

‘Bin. Do you want me to drive you home?’

He almost hates Dongmin at that moment. His composure, his clear skin and expensive clothes, the aura of success encircling him.

Bin knows by now that failure has a smell too. People can't pinpoint it, can't name it – but they fear it as if it was contagious. Once someone catches a whiff of it on you, that’s it. You are doomed.

Dongmin is looking at him softly. ‘Come. I will bring you home.’

‘What… What about Rocky? How he… How’s… he gonna get home?’

‘We came separately by car because I was filming and he was running late. I couldn’t drink anyway; I need to be on set at 5am tomorrow and Rocky is working on something new and barely eats and drinks anyway – but you know that.’

Indeed, Bin knows the ascetic lifestyle Rocky leads, especially if he gets very busy; there is no time for hangovers in his schedule these days. He has barely seen Rocky for the last couple of weeks. They both work separately and will only meet after Bin has finished the choreographies that Rocky assigned to him.

He eyes his ex-love, sober and immaculate, standing patiently in front of him, and burns with shame.

‘You don’t need to…’

‘It’s ok,’ Dongmin smiles, the smile that Bin knows so well and that always breaks his heart a little, every time he sees it on screen. ‘Rocky is driving Jinwoo and Sanha, I will take you. Come, it’s time to go.’

Bin lets himself being led to Dongmin’s car. The interior smells like him, expensive and clean, no random snack wrappers on the floor, no dust on the dashboard – everything is pristine, just like its owner.

‘Can you give me your address?’

The fact that Dongmin had no idea where he lives makes him feel truly forlorn.

……………………………..

He opens the apartment door. It takes him a couple of attempts but he manages somehow and now they are both inside, in the pitiful place that Bin calls home but that feels anything but.

He disappears in the bathroom, not because he needs it but because he simply has to lean his forehead against the cool tiles and fight the onset of panic that is coming from having Lee Dongmin in his life again.

When he emerges, he is trying to make as little noise as possible and prepare himself for some pep talk about how he should not waste his life away like this – but he finds that he needn’t have worried.

Dongmin is standing in his bedroom, eyeing the bare space, the white, unadorned walls, the half-empty wardrobe with its door open. There are maybe three pairs of jeans and couple of shirts hanging inside, a small pile of dance clothes on the shelf below. A suitcase squeezed in the corner looks as if could be packed in no time, the owner gone in an hour.

There is nothing in the room that speaks of home. No trinkets on the shelf above the narrow bed, only a neat row of books. An open laptop sits on the desk, its screen dark.

Dongmin sinks on the bed, lost in thoughts, looking as if he forgot Bin was there with him at all. Bin can see the questions in his eyes, the pity - if this is Bin’s life now when he has Rocky to look after him, what was it like before?

The feeling of shame is oppressive. From the dark hallway, he finds himself looking at the room with Dongmin’s eyes. He follows his gaze aimed at the flimsy wardrobe and wonders why Dongmin is getting up and stands in front of it, absentmindedly stroking the sleeve of one of Bin’s shirts. Bin knows he can't recognise it, a blue and grey plaid, the fabric soft and worn, but not dating from times when they were still together.

With one hand, he steadies himself against the doorframe, when he sees Dongmin crouching down abruptly in front of the wardrobe and picking something up.

There, underneath the pile of tank tops and t-shirts, is a faded polaroid, taken years ago.

It’s him and Bin on the beach, kissing, Bin’s arms around Dongmin’s shoulders, squeezing him close.

‘Inspecting my t-shirts for holes?’

Dongmin gasps and shoves the photograph back into its place, under the pile of clothes. He scrambles up, cheeks flushed. ‘I… No… I mean…’

‘It’s fine,’ Bin stops paying him any attention as he fights an onset of nausea. He sinks onto the bed, face ashen, groans and buries his head in his hands.

‘You ok?’

‘I am so disgusting. I’m… so sorry, I just…’

‘It’s ok, Binnie.’ The old nickname slips in, smooth and inconspicuous, as if it belonged here, in the tiny room, in the empty space between him and Bin.

‘You must be disgusted by me.’

‘No, that’s not true.’

Bin’s eyes water, his throat constricts. ‘But look at me, Min. Just look at me! I have nothing; I achieved nothing. I live off Rocky’s charity, you could even consider me a borderline alcoholic – take your pick, Min, what aspect of me horrifies you the most?’

Dongmin gulps down, looking on the verge of tears. He crosses the room cautiously and kneels in front of Bin. He pushes Bin’s sweaty fringe to the side.

‘Don’t say that, Binnie. You are just unhappy, that’s all. But today, you started fixing things,’ his hands hesitate as he grips Bin’s clammy fingers in his palm. ‘You came; you showed that you were prepared to mend the relationships – that’s massive.’

‘Jinwoo still hates me.’

‘No, he doesn’t,’ Dongmin looks sharply into Bin’s eyes. ‘I spoke to him while you were talking with Rocky. He is coming around.’

‘What does that even mean – coming around? Has he finally forgiven me for fucking up absolutely everything for all of us?’

‘I think he has, Binnie. I think he has.’

‘Have _you_ forgiven me?’

Dongmin’s hands stroke his fingers. ‘Yes, Binnie, I have. We all make mistakes and you have paid for yours many times over.’

…………………………..

_‘Don’t be too long!’_

_‘We won’t!’_

_Myungjun waves cheerfully and Jinwoo gives them a thumbs up. ‘We have an early start tomorrow. Don’t forget that!’_

_They are alone in the practice room after everyone has called it a night._

_For half an hour, they maintain a rigorous tempo, going over one particular part of the choreography which Myungjun has been getting consistently wrong. Bin doesn’t think it’s too visible – Dongmin is even worse, but his boyfriend is filming and there is not a chance of him catching up – but Myungjun seems to have suddenly acquired a strong desire to improve his dancing skills._

_Bin doesn’t object. In the dorm, he feels restless without Dongmin around and is glad for the distraction, for something to do._

_All of a sudden, Myungjun plops down onto the floor. ‘I think I’m gonna die. Let’s stop now.’_

_Bin watches him, the flush of his cheeks, the way his lips are parted just a bit as he breathes heavily, the way the damp t-shirt clings to his slender frame._

_Suddenly, he doesn’t want to dance anymore._

_They walk to the dorm, the street around them quiet and dark; even Seoul grows sleepy at 3am._

_Once inside the building, Bin doesn’t turn on the lights._

_‘Let’s take the stairs.’_

_Next to him, Myungjun snorts in the dark. ‘God, Bin, are you trying to get me to exercise even now?’_

_‘Maybe,’ Bin giggles and pulls at Myungjun’s hand._

_They sprint up two flights of stairs._

_‘Wait,’ Myungjun yanks his arms free and leans against the wall._

_Bin has never noticed how pretty Myungjun’s skin is but it looks eerily beautiful now, with the streetlights outside streaming in and painting it silver. He wants to touch it, to feel the delicate softness under his fingertips. He wants to smooth out the crease between Myungjun’s brows and maybe resuscitate him, lips on lips, because Myungjun is panting, cheeks flushed, and looks like he needs some extra oxygen._

_‘I swear you are trying to kill me.’_

_He crowds Myungjun against the wall. ‘No. I’m not trying to kill you.’_

_‘What are you doing then?’_

_Myungjun’s breathy words ring loud in the dark._

_Bin pushes him into a corner, out of the reach of light and into the shadows that cover the surprise in Myungjun’s eyes, that split of a second of confusion, which changes into knowing as Bin presses into him._

_‘I’m trying to kiss you.’_

_Myungjun doesn’t say anything. He cups Bin’s face in his hands and pulls him close._

_If you kiss in the dark, does it count?_

…………………………..

‘We can't watch you like this.’

The ‘we’ in Rocky’s words hurts.

‘Why now?’ he snorts derisively. ‘You’ve been working with me for almost a year; why do you suddenly care now?’

Rocky sighs. They are alone in the studio, their students for the day having departed a while ago. They should be working on a new choreography but Rocky has been stalling and now Bin knows why.

‘I care because you are my friend and because Dongmin is unhappy. Because he couldn't sleep after seeing you like this last week.’

‘And you? You didn’t really mind seeing me like this - until now.’

Rocky clasps his hands together, as if he was bracing himself for saying something profound.

‘I would have never come up with the idea myself,’ he says carefully, ‘because I thought it would have been too painful for Dongmin – but you used to be my best friend and you still are.’

Bin shakes his head. ‘I don’t know, Rocky. It feels like I will be imposing.’

The prospect is tempting but terrifying at the same time. He hugs his knees, trying to sit as far from Rocky possible.

Rocky nudges closer. ‘Please. When I offered you the job, I thought it would make you happier. But it’s been ten months and you still look so, so dead inside. Come, stay with us for a while. It can't be good for you living alone right now. Please.’

‘I don’t want to make it too uncomfortable for Dongmin.’

‘Actually, it was Dongmin’s idea.’

‘And you’re ok with it?’

Rocky exhales slowly and takes his hands. ‘Yes, I’m ok with it. You are my friend, my family. Please, come.’

…………..…………….

He tries to be invisible.

The apartment smells like a gentle heaven, of freshly brewed coffee and fabric softener whose brand he doesn’t recognise – an epitome of a life that is organised and safe and so middle-class it hurts.

It also smells of Dongmin, in a weird, roundabout way, because he is not at home. After being around for two days after Bin has moved in, Dongmin left for a week to film some scenes on a location in Jeju. Bin is secretly relieved but the smell of something _Dongmin_ lingers constantly in the air and it makes his eyes water at times.

After he and Rocky come home after a day at the studio, he tries to hide in his room, a nice, sparsely furnished bedroom, overlooking the street.

Rocky, however, doesn’t allow him to wallow in self-pity for too long. He drags Bin out of his hiding hole and into the vast kitchen, still gleaming pristine and almost unused since he and Dongmin moved in a month ago. Rocky cooks; Bin silently marvels at how his best friend’s cooking skills improved over the years, while Bin sits at one of the bar stools and helps with chopping, or just nurses a cup of tea Rocky always makes for him. There is no alcohol in the house. Bin has no idea whether it has something to do with his presence but can't bring himself to care. Deep inside he knows his life has been sliding down a slippery slope and at this point he is past any embarrassment to contemplate whether Rocky and Dongmin have talked about it behind his back and quietly decided to save him from himself.

………………………

_‘I would give everything to have what you’ve got.’_

_Myungjun’s whisper stabs him in the heart like a hot stake._

_‘What? You want Dongmin? After all that time we’ve been fucking - was that only some twisted way for you to get closer to him?’_

_‘Jesus, listen to yourself, Bin!’ Myungjun’s voice shakes with fury. ‘Everything is completely fucked up in your life and the only thing you pick up on is that I want Dongmin?’_

_Myungjun slumps unhappily, but his eyes pierce Bin uncomfortably. ‘You still care about him; you still love him – just listen to yourself for once!’_

_He runs both hands over his hair in a weary, almost desperate gesture. ‘Anyway, I didn’t mean that I wanted Dongmin.’_

_‘What did you mean then?’_

_Myungjun’s eyes don’t meet his. ‘It doesn’t matter Binnie; forget it. Get dressed; if someone walks in we are screwed.’_

……………………..

‘What do you want to watch?’

They are settling down on the sofa, bellies pleasantly full after dinner. Rocky puts two cans of soda on the low coffee table in front of them and grabs the remote.

Bin feels his eyes growing heavy, satisfying tiredness spreading through his bones after a long day at work.

‘I don’t mind; you pick.’

Mindlessly, Rocky switches from channel to channel and settles for news after a while but Bin can see he is too jittery to pay the news reporter too much attention.

He doesn’t have to guess why his best friend behaves like he is sitting on a stack of needles.

‘When is Dongmin coming tomorrow?’

‘He said it would be rather late,’ Rocky shrugs, ‘but he usually messages me after they have wrapped up the filming.’

‘Hmm,’ Bin hums contentedly. ‘Only one more day. You miss him?’

Rocky leans his head back, not even pretending to watch the flickering screen by now. ‘I do. I always do.’

‘I am nervous.’

Rocky shifts a little, his body a fraction more alert, more tense. ‘Why?’

‘He is your boyfriend. You love him. I feel like an impostor here.’

Rocky turns his head. ‘And you are my best friend and I love you too. And you both used to love each other. And if you want to make this completely messed up, you should add to the list that I used to be in love with you too.’

His eyes are holding Bin’s and it’s a direct stare, without any irony, any false bashfulness – only the truth.

‘What?’

‘You were my first crush.’

With his right arm, Rocky’s pulls him closer and Bin lets him. It feels like years since he has been held by someone.

‘It was a long time ago, before Dongmin joined. I was a kid, barely knew what I felt, and you only saw me as your little brother anyway.’

Bin’s brain feels fuzzy. ‘Oh my god.’

Rocky’s chuckle tickles his cheek. ‘It doesn’t matter now; I'm just making a point that if we wanted to think about it too much, it would probably look weird. But I don't care. You mean a lot to me, Binnie. A lot. And Dongmin cares about you too, much more than you know. So don’t be nervous.’

‘I’ll try,’ Bin gulps down the doubts and snuggles against Rocky’s side. He closes his eyes after a while, letting his body go lax. Rocky is holding him tight and it feels like home.

The sound of the front door opening makes them both jump.

‘Babe?’

There is a sound of bags being dumped on the floor in the hallway and Dongmin’s voice, expectant, breathless.

Bin scrambles to sit up, cheeks heating up. He feels like he has been caught in flagrante but Rocky merely smiles and pats his arm reassuringly, then gets up and skips towards the hallway, face beaming.

Bin hugs himself on the sofa, the emptiness on the seat next to him strangely mirroring the hollowness in his chest when he listens to the low rumble of Dongmin’s laugh and Rocky’s giggly whispers.

‘Hey, Binnie.’

Bracing himself, he looks up.

Lee Dongmin, in his full glory even after a week of sleepless nights and 15-hour working days, is smiling at him and Bin wants to bottle that smile and keep it next to his bed for the rest of his life.

Because even after five years, when Dongmin smiles it still feels like it is just for him. Of course, he knows it’s only wishful thinking. Bin knows the power of Dongmin’s smile, has seen it on TV countless time – because he, Bin, has a desire to torture himself and has watched all of Dongmin’s dramas, but right now, it feels like Dongmin’s smile belongs to him alone.

He offers a hesitant smile back, aware of Rocky standing there, holding Dongmin’s hand.

‘Hey. How did the filming go?’

Dongmin laughs and throws himself on the sofa next to Bin, pulling Rocky down with him.

‘The most beautiful part was the fact that we have finished one day earlier. The weather has turned.’

Dongmin stretches his long legs in front of him and wraps his arms around both of their shoulders. ‘It’s so good to be back.’

Bin stiffens, trying not to give in to the urge to bury his nose in the crook of Dongmin's neck.

He focuses on the TV instead, pretending to be listening to the reports on the stagnating GDP in the previous quarter and the levels of emissions in the capital. He does his best to ignore the feel of Dongmin’s heartbeat against his shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

‘Are you ok, Binnie?’

It’s Sunday morning. The apartment is flooded with light, streaming in through the massive floor-to-ceiling glass wall in the living room.

Dongmin emerges from the kitchen, sporting a terrible bedhead and what looks like an ancient t-shirt, still remembering their idol days. Bin tries not to look down at his bare legs and keeps his eyes firmly trained on his face instead.

‘Come, Binnie, coffee is ready.’

Without waiting, Dongmin pads back to the kitchen, feet slapping softly on the tiles.

Following behind, Bin accepts a mug of freshly brewed coffee and has to supress a groan. He is not jealous of Dongmin’s wealth, but even if money can’t buy you happiness, it can buy you a very good coffee maker.

‘Sit down.’

Instead of settling on one of the dining chairs or sliding onto a stool at the bar separating the kitchen space form the eating area, Dongmin hops onto the dining table, like a child, letting his legs dangle down. He pats the spot next to him.

‘Come here.’

Bin obeys, making sure there is enough of a gap between them. ‘Where is Rocky?’

Dongmin smiles softly. ‘Still asleep.’

A little relieved, Bin doesn’t ask anything more. He heard them last night and Rocky was surprisingly loud, louder than Dongmin - and Bin doesn’t want to be looking into his best friend’s eyes right now and thinking about the stuff that was going on behind the closed door of their bedroom last night.

‘Can I ask you something, Binnie?’

Bin instantly refocuses, the images of Dongmin’s and Rocky’s intertwined bodies forcefully pushed into the darkest recesses of his mind.

‘Yeah, sure.’

‘Are you feeling ok being here?’ Dongmin’s voice cracks a little, unsure, hesitant. ‘This all was my idea and… I want you to know I’m glad you are here. Rocky too.’

Bin ponders the issue. It’s not that he thinks either Rocky or Dongmin don’t want him around; he can feel the sincerity of their friendship, the truth in every one of their smiles directed towards him – but the feeling of being an intrusion, of being undeserving of their generosity persists.

‘But why, Min?’ he shakes his head a little. ‘I have cheated on you; why should you care about me?’

Dongmin sighs and clutches his mug more tightly. ‘It was a long time ago, Binnie, and we were young. I was never around, always away because of my solo schedules; we were told to stay away from each other on stage and during the fan meets – and Myungjun was there, offering to play the flirty one with you to stop the rumours about us. It was a matter of time before some of that pretence spilled over into reality.’

‘Still, that’s not an excuse.’

‘Probably not,’ agrees Dongmin softly. ‘And don’t get me wrong, I _was_ angry with you for a long time, even after me and Rocky got together – but I’m not anymore. I still care about you though. That’s why I wanted you to come.’

Bin gulps uneasily. He wants, he really wants to believe Dongmin’s words but it’s hard going.

The wave of past memories rushes through his head, the mental images of days long gone, but whose bitter aftertaste remains. The heaviness of Dongmin’s words – I’ve tried, Binnie, I’ve really tried to forgive you but I can’t, I think we should stop trying, I can’t be with you, not when I don't trust you anymore – it stings even now, after so much time. The despair, the darkness in the weeks and months after their break-up. His own words to Jinwoo, just before the extension of their contract was due, the anger in the leader’s eyes after the reality of what Bin had told him hit full force.

I destroyed everything we worked for, thinks Bin. The group would have survived with Myungjun leaving, but not with two members gone, not both of us. It was me who gave it the last fatal blow.

He still shudders at the naked hate in Jinwoo’s eyes, at the coldness in his voice - fine, feel free to explain to the agency why are we not extending the contract, Binnie, go on, you do it.

He still can't believe Dongmin’s words that Jinwoo doesn’t hate him anymore. After disbanding, their leader and Sanha were probably hit the hardest, Jinwoo, because he felt responsible for the group’s fate as the leader and Sanha because he was the youngest and didn’t have anything else to go back to.

Right now, however, the most pressing matter is not whether all of the members hate him. What matters to him most at this moment, sitting in Dongmin’s and Rocky’s immaculate kitchen with sun warming his face and his ex-boyfriend next to him, is whether both Rocky and Dongmin have really forgiven him for everything. Not only for destroying their future together – but also for hurting Dongmin. Is Dongmin really over his betrayal? And Rocky – is he not afraid that Bin could do it again, to shatter another loving couple’s happiness? 

He is afraid of looking into Dongmin’s eyes but he asks anyway.

‘Is Rocky not jealous? You know, I’m the ever-present ex; he might feel he is always gonna have to measure up to me and all that. Is this not a dangerous game to play to have me here? He loves you a lot, you know that?’

Dongmin smiles, looking into his mug. ‘I know that – and I love him too. But we all used to be a family before and seeing you struggling felt really wrong. This whole set-up might be odd – but it definitely feels less wrong than watching you being unhappy and destroying yourself.’

Bin, too, looks into his coffee and says nothing. Hearing Dongmin’s measured words, knowing that Dongmin _cares,_ feeling the love hidden behind his calm demeanour - it makes him shaky with gratitude.

‘I would like you to stay for as long as you want,’ Dongmin is swinging his legs lightly, not looking at him, but he covers Bin’s hand with his. ‘If you want to.’

Bin squeezes his fingers, throat constricting. ‘Thank you.’

…………………………

The weeks go by and the awkwardness gradually lessens. Bin spends his days thinking only of dance steps and formations and tries to help Rocky with cooking every night. At the weekends they go to the movies together. Dongmin drags them all swimming every Saturday night, even when both Rocky and Bin protest that after a six-day working week they deserve a quiet night at home.

Dongmin’s presence during the week is that of a ghost, almost not there; he always leaves early and comes home late because of filming for his new drama. Bin spends his evenings with Rocky, the lightness of their friendship almost the same as it used to be back in the day.

Almost.

‘So I was your first crush?’

Bin is slouched on the sofa, a bowl of popcorn on his knees. He might have picked what he wanted to watch tonight but the question has been at back of his mind for weeks, the curiosity scratching at his brain, not letting go.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you liked me?’

Next to him, Rocky squirms a little. ‘Well… I wanted to but… I felt stupid for being so young at first and you being older and cool… And then, when I finally almost did it, Dongmin joined. After that, it was too late. You only saw him.’

‘I’m sorry,’ whispers Bin.

‘It’s ok,’ Rocky’s smile is wistful. ‘I think I fell in love with him too, at least a tiny bit.’

‘How is that any better?’ Bin moans. ‘I feel so awful! You fell in love twice and both of us never noticed you and what’s worse, we fell in love in each other!’

Rocky’s laugh is carefree. ‘Stop being so melodramatic! Look at us now – I have both of my crushes here with me now. I am a lucky man.’

Bin watches his friend’s beaming face and although he knows Rocky’s statement should ring wrong in his ears, it doesn’t. It fills him with happiness instead.

……………………….

‘Binnie?’

‘Yeah?’

Dongmin is pouring him a cup of coffee. It has become one of their rituals, to spend Sunday morning sitting on the kitchen table and watching life passing by behind the large kitchen window.

‘I bumped into Myungjun on Friday.’

‘Oh.’

‘He wants to meet. With you, I mean. He asked if I thought you would agree to that.’

‘Oh.’

‘I don’t think he is angry with you, Binnie. I think he simply wants… closure.’

‘Oh.’

‘Could you, please, say something else than ‘oh,’ Binnie?’

He feels tempted to say it again but refrains. He opts for the truth instead.

‘I’m scared. He will probably be angry. Or bitter. Or – I don’t know.’

‘He will be neither of those things.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

‘Because he told me that he misses you.’

‘Oh.’

…………………………….

_‘Get off me!’ Myungjun shoves him so hard he nearly falls on the floor._

_‘What’s wrong with you?’_

_‘I’ve heard something! It’s Jinjin!’_

_‘How do you know, for fuck’s sake?’_

_‘He is supposed to be coming back any minute now; he said he would only be gone for an hour or so!’_

_He groans and tries to pull Myungjun closer. ‘Come on, Junnie, calm down. I can't hear anything.’_

_‘I said get off me!’ Myungjun jumps up and starts pulling on his clothes. Bin sees his hands are shaking. ‘You don’t see it, do you? What if he finds us; do you know how disappointed he would be?’_

_‘Oh, come on,’ Bin stretches on the bed, enjoying the feeling absolute freedom; no schedules, no clothes, no thoughts in his head._

_‘Shit! I think Min is here too!’ Myungjun’s harsh whisper cuts like a blade through his heart._

_Bin jumps up in blind panic, breaking the world record in getting dressed._

_When there are no more noises coming from the hallway, he pauses, confused. ‘There is no one here.’_

_Myungjun’s face twists. ‘Now you know how it feels.’_

_‘I hate you.’_

…………….………………

Coming back to the apartment, Bin still feels a little weird as he rummages in the pocket for the key. He remembers how, two weeks after he had moved in, Rocky dropped a bunch of keys on the coffee table and smiled.

‘These are for you. We want you to feel at home here, not like a guest.’

He opens the front door and takes off his shoes. There is laughter coming from the living room and a wave of warmth floods his body as he follows the sound.

‘How did it go?’

Two eager faces look up from the sofa as he enters the room.

‘God,’ he grins back. ‘You are terrible. It’s none of your business.’

Judging by the way Rocky grins back, Bin knows he didn’t fool anybody.

Dongmin moves away from Rocky and pats at the spot between them. ‘Sit down, Binnie, we want an extensive report.’

‘You are awfully nosy!’

Nevertheless, he sinks obediently between them.

‘So?’ Rocky arches an eyebrow.

‘It was ok,’ he admits grudgingly.’ Myungjun was really nice. And…’

‘What?’

Two pairs of breathless eyes hang on his every word.

Bin inhales sharply and punches both of them in the ribs, full force.

‘Why didn’t you tell me Myungjun was together with Jinwoo? I went, almost pissing myself with fear – and when I met him, he was beaming like a sun! Positively glowing! Multiple-post-orgasmic glow! Did it kind of slip your mind to tell me that he moved on? That he was ok? Happy? You! And you!’

He adds a couple of more punches for good measure and watches Dongmin and Rocky killing themselves laughing.

‘But you looked so adorable when you were almost pissing yourself with fear!’ wheezes Rocky.

‘You were cute when you were getting ready tonight. Cutely scared,’ Dongmin does his best to supress a laugh but Bin can see he is not going to last.

‘I want to kill you both,’ Bin hisses through his teeth and then he starts laughing, feeling weirdly light, almost floaty, weightless – and he leans his face against Rocky’s shoulder and shakes with laughter for so long, until he starts crying. ‘He said he is fine now, that he has forgiven me. And that we should keep in touch.’

He sobs. ‘He said that once Jinwoo has finished recording his new album and has more free time, he would bring him along. That it’s time for all of us to leave the past behind.’

‘Hey.’

Dongmin leans closer, plastering himself onto his back. Stroking his sides. Rocky pulls him onto his chest and Bin feels like a human sandwich, the closeness of both Dongmin’s and Rocky’s body comforting and warm.

‘I want to kill you, guys. I swear I want to kill you,’ he sniffs into Rocky’s sweater.

‘Sorry I didn’t tell you about Jinwoo and Myungjun but I thought it wasn’t my place to do it,’ Rocky murmurs into Bin’s hair. ‘I guess I wanted Myungjun himself to tell you. You really hurt him back then; he was in love with you, much more that you realised – I thought you needed to hear it from him that he was fine now.’

Bin wipes at his nose. ‘I still want to kill you both.’

‘And I’m sorry too,’ Dongmin’s whisper against the nape of his neck sounds small and hesitant. ‘I guess I must have had some delayed bout of spite in me because when I was telling you about it, I got sort of… mad at you again, I guess. That’s why I didn’t tell you that Myungjun was really happy and didn’t hold a grudge. I’m so, so sorry, Binnie.’

Bin disentangles himself from Rocky and turns around. Dongmin is watching him, a pleading look in his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘You don’t need to be sorry about anything, Min,’ Bin envelopes him in his arms. ‘You did nothing wrong – and you have every right to be angry with me.’

‘No. Not when I said I had long forgiven you,’ Dongmin’s face nestles into the crook of his neck and Bin shudders at the thought how scarily natural it feels. How right.

‘Guys,’ Rocky pipes up from underneath. ‘This is all really cute and all but you are squashing me here. I literally can't breathe.’

They both jump up, awkwardly apologising, but Rocky only chuckles and gets up. ‘Who wants ice cream?’

‘Me!’ Dongmin laughs out loud and sinks back into the sofa cushions. ‘I love you, baby.’

‘You’re only saying it so you don’t need to go and get it yourself,’ smirks Rocky. ‘You, Binnie?’

He nods shyly. ‘Ok.’

Later, squeezed between Dongmin and Rocky, a massive bucket of ice cream on his knees, Bin feels for the first time like he truly belongs.

……………………………..

‘Hey. Wake up, guys.’

Dongmin’s face is looming over him and it takes Bin a second to remember that he lies on the sofa, with Minhyuk squashed against his side. The movie they have been watching must have ended a good while ago.

‘What time is it?’ he whispers, hoarse with sleep.

‘Two o’clock. I’ve just come home.’

Bin’s cheeks burn with embarrassment at Dongmin finding them sleeping together on the sofa like stray puppies – but, strangely, Dongmin doesn’t seem to mind. His face is soft, smiling gently as he tries to lift Rocky up.

‘Come on, babe. Time to go to bed.’

Rocky ignores Dongmin’s voice and snuggles closer against Bin’s chest. ‘Warm,’ he sighs sleepily and closes his eyes again.

Bin chuckles. Rocky, the layer of fat on his body virtually non-existent, and Dongmin being constantly cold, they are not the ideal pairing for keeping each other warm at night.

Dongmin must be thinking the same because his gaze wanders from Rocky’s curled shape to Bin’s face and back a couple of times.

‘Do you want to sleep with us tonight?’ he asks softly.

Bin’s dropped jaw makes him backtrack hastily. ‘I didn’t mean it like that! Just to…’

He trails off, gulping nervously, and Bin calms down his wildly beating heart and composes his face into something resembling cool. ‘I know you didn’t. And… Yeah, I’d love to.’

In the massive bed, he cuddles Rocky to his chest but shies away from Dongmin, too afraid to touch him. The last thing he wants is to make him feel awkward. But when his ex-boyfriend plasters himself onto his back and whispers ‘goodnight, Binnie’ into his hair, he almost weeps with gratitude.

………………………….

It becomes a habit. On nights when Rocky feels stressed or when Dongmin is too cold, they simply invite Bin along. Rocky usually looks at Dongmin with an arched eyebrow - an unspoken question, yet the message in his eyes is loud and clear - and tugs at Bin’s hand. Dongmin is more formal – would you like to stay with us tonight – but for Bin, both invitations flood his heart with warmth.

He usually ends up in the middle, sharing his warmth like an electric blanket his grandma used to have in bed.

Bin forces himself not to question the arrangement too much, as if words spoken out loud had the potential to destroy such delicate state of being, the equilibrium they managed to achieve – so he says nothing.

Every night, however, he holds himself back a little, lingers in the backgrounds to see whether Dongmin and Rocky want him around.

On some nights he knows it will be him alone in the guest room; he can read it in the way Rocky’s fingers dig into Dongmin’s waist when he hugs him, in the directness of Dongmin’s gaze when he looks into Rocky’s eyes.

On those nights he tries to disappear quickly, to make it clear to both Dongmin and Rocky that he doesn’t expect anything, that everything they are prepared to give is a gift.

……………………..

‘Don’t you get lonely when Dongmin is away filming?’

‘I do, sometimes,’ concedes Rocky. ‘I usually try to work more when he is away to kill the time.’

They are in the supermarket, eyeing the snacks aisle. Bin’s legs feel like lead but he welcomes the tiredness penetrating his whole body after a day of hard work.

‘We could just grab something quick?’ Rocky sounds almost dazed. ‘I’m too tired to cook.’

‘I don’t mind, I'll do it tonight. Let’s go home.’

Only after they have left the shop does Bin realise what he has just said.

It feels good.

Home.

………………………….

The sounds are there, coming through a deep haze of sleep, like wading through thick syrup.

Bin resists, not willing to leave the pleasant weightlessness, but eventually he gives in. The groans, loud and pained are coming from Rocky’s and Dongmin’s bedroom.

Under normal circumstances, Bin would rather be seen dead than entering his ex-boyfriend’s bedroom in the middle of the night upon hearing loud sounds – but Dongmin left in the morning to shoot a string of commercials in Europe and after a moment’s hesitation Bin decides to find out what’s going on because Rocky sounds genuinely distressed.

The bedroom is shrouded in darkness and it takes Bin’s eyes a second to adjust as he cracks the door open. In the thin strip of light filtering in from the hallway, he sees Rocky tossing wildly on the bed.

‘Hey. Are you ok?’

He crosses the room hurriedly, flicking on a night lamp next to the bed.

Rocky doesn’t respond and it slowly dawns on him that Rocky is asleep, dreaming, probably having a nightmare.

He gives him a good shake, once, twice, and finally Rocky re-emerges with a gasp, a thin sheen of sweat covering his forehead.

‘You ok?’

Rocky’s eyes are glazed, unseeing, and it scares Bin a little. He can tell his friend is still asleep but he doesn’t know what to do. After a while, he gently lowers Rocky back to bed and slides under the covers next to him. He never shares their bed when Dongmin is away, un unspoken rule that now makes Bin feel a little uncomfortable – but he reasons he is closer this way if Rocky needs him again.

He carefully holds Rocky’s wiry frame in his arms and waits until his breathing evens out.

……………………..

‘Binnie? What are you doing here?’

Rocky blinks blearily. The first morning light is still grey, soft around the edges.

‘You had a nightmare last night; I couldn’t wake you up at all so I stayed. You scared me a little.’

‘Oh,’ Rocky rubs his eyes, the remnants of sleep still clinging to him, making him sluggish. ‘I do get them sometimes. Min usually wakes me up; you know he is a light sleeper.’

Bin sits up on the bed and crosses his legs. ‘Wow, I had no idea you have nightmares.’

Rocky simply shrugs, seemingly resigned to his fate. ‘Only since I’ve started working; I guess the responsibility of running a business is getting to me.’

‘What do you do when Dongmin is away?’

‘I… I don’t know,’ Rocky’s laugh is embarrassed. ‘I don’t remember.’

Bin feels his heart speeding up. ‘Do you want me to sleep here until Min comes back?’

‘Really?’

If Bin had any doubts about his move, the pure, grateful smile on Rocky’s face instantly melts it away.

…….……………………..

The unspoken rule broken, he now spends more nights in the main bedroom as he does in his own. Rocky demands his presence the moment Dongmin is packing his suitcases to go anywhere. When Bin tries to protest, he merely smiles. ‘I have told Min and he is fine with it.’

‘You sure?’

‘I’m sure.’

………………………..

After a while, the inevitable happens.

He starts dreaming. About the skin on Rocky’s stomach, taut and golden, peeking from underneath his t-shirt when he stretches in the morning. About Dongmin’s hips, their curve achingly familiar, even after such a long time. About their bodies, so close and tempting every time they share the bed together.

The fact that his desire is utterly, completely indiscriminate scares him deeply. For months, he thought the close proximity to Dongmin would be the worst temptation - but Rocky features in as many of his dreams as Dongmin does, leaving Bin confused and angry with himself.

He knows the right thing to do would be to retreat to the safety of his own bedroom, or even going back to his old apartment - but it’s too late for that; the pull is too strong. To give up what he has after such a long time of loneliness – he knows he will not be able to do that, no matter what.

So he doesn’t say anything, terrified he could destroy what they have, the lightness and innocence of it. He simply makes sure no one sees his hard-on when he wakes up with Rocky’s arm thrown over him or Dongmin’s leg slung over his own in the morning.

During the nights when he lies alone in the guest room, he doesn’t put on his headphones anymore to drown out the sounds he can hear. Instead, the listens, tensing with desire, longing to be part of the bond Rocky and Dongmin have.

………………………….

‘This is almost like being back in the old dorm.’

Rocky puts away his phone and peels off the covers. Bin slides in.

‘How? I used to room with Dongmin, then with Jinjin; we were never together.’

Rocky shuffles closer. ‘I mean our very first dorm. Where we all slept on the floor next to each other.’

‘Oh god, that!’

The memory brings a smile to Bin’s lips. ‘It was so cold in winter. I was always the most popular member.’

‘Yeah, you were, you human radiator.’ Rocky presses his cold feet against Bin’s calves and laughs at his cursing.

Bin smirks. ‘Be glad I am here. When Min comes back tomorrow, you can be warming your feet on him. Good luck with that.’

‘He wishes us good night. I’ve just messaged him.’

‘Send him a kiss from me.’

Rocky obeys, typing quickly. The blue light from the screen illuminated his face for a short while, then the phone turns dark.

He curls up against Bin. ‘Night, Binnie.’

‘Night.’

……………………..…….

The morning finds them entangled together, Rocky’s head pressed against the crook of Bin’s neck.

In the grey semi-darkness, it’s Rocky’s quiet breathing against his skin that finally tips him over the edge.

Brain still foggy with sleep, he tastes the soft plushness of Rocky’s lips, his own mouth parched, like a man stumbling through a desert. 

Rocky groans against his mouth, a glorious sound that Bin wants to listen to for the rest of his life. But when Rocky’s cool fingertips slip under his t-shirt and press into the skin on his back, reality kicks in.

He shoves Rocky away and jumps up. ‘Stop! Wait!’

Rocky blinks sleepily and opens his eyes. ‘What?’

Bin can see his friend is half-asleep and his stomach churns with fear.

What has he done?

‘Rocky, I’m so sorry!’ he gasps. ‘You probably thought I was Dongmin but-‘

‘No,’ whispers Rocky, eyelids still heavy. ‘I knew it was you.’

The fear in the pit of Bin’s stomach turns into a cold, heavy lump. He runs out of the room, into his own bedroom, and yanks his duffel bag from under the bed.

‘What are you doing?’

Rocky is leaning against the doorframe, rubbing his eyes.

Bin doesn’t look up and starts throwing his clothes into the bag. ‘Leaving.’

‘What?’

Hastily, he puts on the first pair of jeans he can find and pulls a hoodie over his sleeping t-shirt.

He slings the bag over his shoulder, ready to leave, but softens at the sight of Rocky’s shocked face.

‘It’s time for me to leave, Rocky. I’m ruining everything again.’

Rocky’s voice rises in panic. ‘Please, don’t go! Let’s… Let’s talk. You are not ruining anything!’

‘I am though. I am doing it again.’

He pushes Rocky out of his way and hurries out of the room, into the hallway and towards the door.

He hangs his keys onto a little hook next to the door.

‘Tell Dongmin I’m really sorry.’

He closes the door behind him, not looking back.

……………………………

His old apartment breathes at him with the familiar mixture of loneliness and despair. Bin doesn’t like the feel of it - the contrast between its darkness and the glow of Dongmin’s and Rocky’s place is almost too much to bear – but there is nothing to be done.

He dumps his bag in the hallway and, not bothering to unpack, he heads for the bedroom.

Under the cold covers, he hugs himself tight and wishes the day away, despite hours and hours stretching in front him, despite the sunshine still bright outside.

He wants to fall asleep and never wake up.

…………………………..

Like gunfire, the persistent pounding on the door wakes him up.

He sits up, disorientated. The lack of light in the room tells him it’s evening already but for a moment the reality completely eludes him.

Then he remembers – him and Rocky in bed. The kiss, the shame.

The banging on the door continues, louder than before, and Bin jumps up, terrified that the neighbours will start poking their heads out and complaining. He runs to the door and yanks it open.

Dongmin is standing on the doorstep, looking almost shocked at the sight of him. Perhaps he was expecting me to put up a fight, thinks Bin and steps aside without a word to let Dongmin in before curious old ladies start investigating who is disrupting the peace in the building.

‘I’m sorry,’ Dongmin runs his hand through his hear, clearly uncomfortable. You were not opening the door. I got scared that… that something happened to you.’

‘I fell asleep,’ mumbles Bin and watches in astonishment as Dongmin’s beautiful face crumples in front of his eyes and dissolves in tears.

‘Shit,’ Dongmin wipes at his eyes, hands trembling. ‘Shit, Binnie…’

He leans against the wall. ‘I thought…’

‘What did you think?’ Bin frowns.

‘You ran away, you were not picking up your phone. We came by earlier, Rocky and me, you weren’t here. Rocky is at home right now, losing his mind, waiting for you, just in case you decided to come back. Where have you been? What happened?’

‘Oh my god. Why are you being so dramatic? I just told Rocky that I needed to move back to my place again. Then I was walking around for a bit before I came here.’

Fingers shaking, Dongmin pulls out his phone and starts typing. Bin can guess it’s a message for Rocky, letting him know that the missing wayward son has been found.

The anger hits him fully unprepared. Did Rocky not tell Dongmin what happened?

His insides quiver with illogical rage at himself, rage that he has to do it himself, to spill the news and watch the hurt on Dongmin’s face all over again.

‘I… I kissed Rocky. I can't come back; I messed up everything.’

To his surprise, Dongmin doesn’t say anything. He merely sighs and walks past him into the bedroom, grabbing at Bin’s sleeve to follow suit.

He sits down on the crumpled bed and Bin sinks down beside him.

Dongmin rubs his forehead in a gesture that makes him look like and old man before he takes Bin’s hand.

‘I know what happened,’ he whispers, without looking up. ‘Rocky told me. It’s not a big deal. Please, come back.’

In vain, Bin tries to prise his hand out of Dongmin’s grip.

‘I can't come back! Don’t you understand, Min? It _is_ a big deal! I can’t come back!’

‘Why, Binnie? We miss you. Rocky misses you.’

There is something crystal clear and untouched in Dongmin’s eyes, despite all that happened in the past, despite all they had been through, and it pains Bin to be the one to shatter that blissful, ignorant innocence.

‘I can’t,’ he shakes his head slowly. ‘You know why? Because I want you, Min. I want you both, you and Rocky, in every way possible, and it terrifies me. I can't pretend anymore that being friends is enough. It was a mistake to move in with you; I shouldn’t have done that.’

Expecting Dongmin to yank his hand away and jump up in righteous indignation and disgust, it surprises him that Dongmin doesn’t move, only frowns a little, seemingly deep in thought.

‘Can I tell you something, Binnie?’ Dongmin’s thumb starts stroking the back of his hand. ‘Do you remember that time when I found you and Rocky asleep on the sofa?’

‘Yeah?’

Dongmin turns and takes his other hand, holds them both like they are something infinitely precious and fragile.

‘When I came home and found you both asleep, together… I don’t know what it was but it felt like had everything I needed right there, in front of me. I could just spread my arms and hug you both. Kiss you both.’

Dongmin is looking at their hands, thumbs sweeping over Bin’s knuckles over and over again.

‘I didn’t say anything, Binnie. Because it scared me. It felt like I was cheating on Rocky just by thinking about you in that way again. Afterwards, I was seriously considering asking you to move out. But Rocky looked so happy with you around – and you looked happy too. So in the end I didn’t; I couldn’t do it.’

Dongmin turns over Bin’s hands and presses a kiss into his right palm. Bin knows he should put a stop to it, that this is yet another thing that is crossing all barriers imaginable, but can’t bring himself to move, the feeling of Dongmin’s dark head bowed low so close to him is making him dizzy.

‘When I came home this morning and you were gone I knew something must have happened even before Rocky told me.’

‘Yes, but…’

Dongmin stops kissing Bin’s hand and looks up. ‘He wants you back, Binnie.’

‘But how? Doesn’t it bother him – what happened?’

‘He wants you back because he wants you. And me. Us together.’

The reality is slipping out of Bin’s grasp at an alarming speed.

‘But… But he is your boyfriend. You live together. You love each other.’

‘And you were my first love, Binnie. My first everything and I love you. And Rocky loves you too. Please come back.’

Bin closes his eyes for a second, fighting the tears. ‘Come back as what, Min? I can't play this game anymore! This false innocence and all of us sleeping in one bed and all being soft and cosy and… I can't come back to that; I want more and it’s wrong and I… I don’t want to hurt either of you. I can't go back to what we had before.’

‘You don’t need to,’ whispers Dongmin. ‘Come back… for real. To both of us.’

………………………

Rocky sits on curled up on the sofa in the living room, looking terrified, but he jumps up the moment he sees Bin. ‘You are back!’

‘I’m back.’

It’s hard for Bin to speak in more than whispers; the words are shy, not wanting to come out.

Rocky reaches out and Dongmin pushes him a little, towards that outstretched hand. For once, Bin’s fingers are freezing and he welcomes the warmth of Rocky’s palm.

‘I’m glad you are here, Binnie. I didn’t mean to scare you off – when we kissed.’ Rocky’s hands are rubbing warmth into the icy skin of Bin’s fingers. ‘I just… I couldn’t help it. I’ve been dreaming of kissing you for weeks and… Please, don’t hate me for that.’

‘I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you at all. I want…’

‘What do you want, Binnie?

Dongmin hugs him from behind. ‘You can tell him, Binnie. Tell him what you told me.’

Rocky gives a small, wobbly smile. ‘I know it must feel weird but we are here – if you want to stay.’

Bin gulps, terrified, because it’s truly frightening how it doesn’t feel weird at all. ‘I want to. I want to stay. With both of you.’

Dongmin and Rocky smile at each other over Bin’s head and Rocky leans in, brushing Bin’s lips with his own for a short, torturing moment. ‘Come.’

In the bedroom, the mattress feels cold against Bin’s bare back when Dongmin pulls his sweatshirt over his head and pushes him gently down. ‘Is this ok?’

Everything in Bin’s head screams yes. He wants to grab both Dongmin and Rocky and press them against his body so he can be surrounded by warmth from every side, like being buried inside his very special cocoon.

He pauses instead, pushing against Rocky’s chest, keeping his lips only inches from his face.

‘I… I want this… so much…’ he pants. ‘But… You guys sure? I don’t want us to wake up tomorrow and you feeling weird and telling me it was all a mistak-‘

Rocky’s kiss silences him instantly and for a long, blissful moment, his head empties, everything around gone, everything but Rocky’s mouth on his lips and Dongmin’s hands on his skin.

When he finally gasps for air, Rocky slides lower and starts pressing kisses alongside Bin’s collarbone. Dongmin leans over and cups Bin’s cheek.

‘Welcome home, Binnie.’

Bin doesn’t say anything. He slides his fingers into Dongmin’s hair – the feel achingly familiar - and pulls him close.

………………………..

The beach is emptying. Most of the young families with children have left a good hour ago, leaving the space quiet and feeling almost deserted.

Bin dives into the waves again, welcoming the numbing coldness on his skin.

After a while, he emerges from the water and plops down into the fine sand, letting gentle waves lap over his body.

Rocky wades over from where he has been snorkelling for the last hour. ‘It’s getting late. You wanna head back?’

Bin looks behind him where Dongmin is asleep on a lounge chair, an open book resting on his chest.

‘Should we let him sleep for a bit more? He only came back yesterday and it’s his first holiday in almost two years.’

Rocky is hopping on one leg, trying to get water out of his ear. After an unsuccessful try he follows Bin’s gaze and hums thoughtfully. ‘Nah, let’s wake him up, otherwise he will be up the whole night again.’

Together, they tiptoe closer and start shaking the water out of their hair like two puppies over Dongmin’s curled frame until he wakes up with a grunt.

‘Hey, sleepyhead,’ Bin leans down and presses his cold palms against Dongmin’s, ribs, ignoring his gasp.

Rocky buries his face in Dongmin’s hair. ‘Our famous boyfriend is finally gracing us with his attention. Have you slept well, Mr Cha?’

Dongmin stretches languidly and groans. He grabs Bin’s fingers and kisses his fingertips, while running his other palm over Rocky’s chest.

‘I’m so sleepy,’ he yawns. ‘Five more minutes?’

‘Na-ah,’ Rocky shakes his head. ‘We missed you too much, Mr Cha. Your fans have seen more of you lately than we have. You need to make it up to us.’

‘We’re your fans too,’ Bin whines. ‘We need you.’

‘Come on, Mr Cha. Could I have an autograph, please?’ Rocky hikes up his t-shirt and thrusts his chest into Dongmin’s face. ‘Right here, I need to feel your name on my skin.’

Dongmin’s face reddens with supressed laughter as he pushes him away. ‘Babe, please. What happened to you? I was only away for five days!’

Bin pushes Rocky aside and wraps his arms around Dongmin’s neck in an exaggerated manner.

‘I am such a big fan of yours, Mr Cha,’ he whispers theatrically. ‘Maybe we should discuss your latest drama in my bedroom?’

‘Binnie, you too?’

Dongmin is beetroot-red by now and Bin enjoys the sight. He straightens up and pulls Rocky close to him.

‘You have been neglecting us, Min,’ he grins into his boyfriend’s embarrassed face. ‘Time to procreate. Take a pick. Me or Rocky. Or both? I would strongly suggest me but…’

‘Don’t be an ignoramus, Binnie,’ Dongmin rolls his eyes, trying not to laugh. ‘To be able to procreate, at least one of us is missing a vital piece of anatomy, namely the uterus. What did you do at school when we had biology?’

‘Sleep,’ Bin doesn’t bat an eyelid. ‘You should know that; you were the one always waking me up.’

‘He is trying to avoid the fuck, Binnie,’ deadpans Rocky who has been standing silently next Bin, curled up into his side. ‘I can see him scheming. He thinks impressing us with his knowledge will get him out of it.’

‘You know what, kids?’ Dongmin picks up the paperback and covers his face with it. ‘You two go ahead and have fun. Prep Binnie for me, baby, will you? He has been really gobby lately, I think he needs someone to fuck him senseless.’

Bin giggles and noses at Rocky’s shoulder. ‘Don’t leave it too late, Min. We might decide to have fun without you.’

Perfectly synchronised, they both kneel down on both sides of Dongmin’s lounge chair and smooch his cheeks, ignoring his protests.

When they get up and start walking towards the cabin, Bin can't help but poking Rocky is the ribs. ‘Is he coming?’

Rocky sneaks a glance over his shoulder and grins. ‘Don’t look but he is getting up.’

Bin laughs and pulls Rocky close by his waist. ’I love you, you know that?

From behind, Dongmin’s arm suddenly sneaks around his shoulder. ‘And I love you both. Let’s procreate.’

Bin exchanges a grin with Rocky. ‘He is sucking up to us. Afraid you might end up surplus to requirements tonight, Minnie?’

They both start laughing and break into a run, letting Dongmin chase after them.

………………………..

He dreams.

The sand dunes are scorching under his bare feet, the air around him a hot, baking oven.

He doesn’t know where he is going, only that the footprints he follows are important; that they mean something.

The pale tufts of grass are whipped by gusts of wind that is tearing at his clothes and making his eyes water.

‘It’s not far; you’re nearly there.’

Dongmin is standing next to him, dressed in white. He is almost as blinding as the sun.

They both walk in silence after that. The wind is getting stronger, grains of sand getting into Bin’s eyes, but he can hear the sea now, the booming swell of waves, the way they crash against the shore with force and dissipate into lacy foam again.

‘Look, you made it.’

Rocky appears, standing between the soft, swishing blades of grass. He points towards the shore.

There, in the distance, a lonely figure is standing, feet dipped in the water, watching the sun sinking into the waves burning orange.

All three of them follow the trail of the footsteps. Bin knows they belong to the man standing on the shore who seems eerily familiar but a stranger at the same time.

The sand gets cooler as they near the water, wetter. The sun has almost sunk behind the horizon by now and it’s an oddly exciting sight.

Dongmin and Rocky smile at each other, over Bin’s head, and start walking towards the man in front of them. It confuses Bin a little that they ignore him, as if he wasn’t even there, but he doesn’t feel angry. There is calm in the air that seem to permeate everything around, even himself.

He watches Rocky and Dongmin to catch up with the stranger. They throw their arms around his shoulders and all three of them watch the sunset.

When the sun is nothing but the tiniest strip of blood red and pink on the rippling waves, they turn around to leave.

The stranger in the middle looks up into Bin’s eyes. Without a word, he wraps his arms around Dongmin and Rocky’s waist and pulls them both close. He smiles and nods in greeting.

Bin watches himself, surrounded by two people he loves, and thinks, if feels right. This is how it should be.

He smiles and waves back.

…………………………

The thin curtains ripple in a soft breeze. There is no moon tonight, the heavy clouds making the darkness absolute.

Bin can hear the waves crushing; the tide is in.

Next to him, Rocky whimpers a little in his sleep and curls up in a ball. On autopilot, Bin strokes his back a couple of times until his breathing evens out again.

Dongmin stirs awake. ‘Is he ok?’ he whispers hoarsely.

‘Yeah,’ Bin pulls Dongmin onto his chest. ‘A dream, probably. Go back to sleep, Min.’

‘Hm,’ Dongmin buries his face into the crook of Bin's neck and falls asleep in an instant.

Bin listens to the waves for a while until his eyes grow heavy again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This bonus chapter was completely unplanned - but I guess I have missed this au.
> 
> Also, last year around this time I posted Mistletoe as a special Christmas gift, this year, it looks like it will be a slightly spicy moonchaky.
> 
> Enjoy - merry Christmas!

Bacon. That’s what he needs.

Bin stares at the ceiling, almost smelling the sizzling fat in his head, imagining the edges, browning nicely and curling a little. His mouth waters.

The dawn has barely broken yet but the morning has unmistakably arrived behind the floor-to-ceiling windows of their bedroom, the light aching to push in through the gap in the thick curtains.

He weighs up his options. It’s Sunday morning, their only day when all of them can afford a lie-in, and he could still - maybe – manage to go back to sleep.

Next to him, Rocky stirs and presses his head under Bin’s armpit, his cold toes wriggling under Bin’s calf. 

Hissing quietly at the touch of freezing skin, he glances over Rocky’s curled body to where Dongmin is asleep, one arm settled in the curve of Rocky’s waist. Heaven only knows how they ended up with Rocky being in the middle and not Bin himself, the living and breathing heater of a man. But then again, with how things were going yesterday night, it’s a wonder Dongmin didn’t end up sleeping on the sofa.

It was Rocky’s idea to do a dance-off after dinner last night – and Bin never needs to be asked twice when it comes to dancing - and it started tamely enough, with the two of them coming up with more and more elaborate step combinations and showing off, riling each other up.

Dongmin didn’t join in. With the script in front of him, he sat on the floor and occasionally glanced up, following both of them with a fond smile. There was no way of knowing how many pages he was supposed to memorise over the weekend – Dongmin isn’t one to complain about work - but the script looked pretty thick so they both left him be in the end.

Bin threw himself into the dance moves – no better way than dancing to empty your head of everything – and would probably have carried on for the rest of the night, had Rocky not yanked his arm mid-routine, sending them both sprawling on the floor.

‘Hey! What was that for?’

Rocky, pressing him down with his whole weight, laughed right into his face. He was always good at ignoring Bin’s angry pants, in the practice room or in the bedroom.

‘I think we should try a different style, Binnie – wanna do horizontal tango?’

Behind them, Dongmin snorted loudly but it took Bin a split of a second to catch on. When he did his face burned.

But that was Rocky and his penchant for blurting things out as he liked them, never giving much care or consideration to the suitability of occasion – love your hips when you dance, Binnie – to the point where the shock value of it slowly ebbed away with time and Bin thought nothing coming out of Rocky’s mouth could surprise him anymore. And then a moment like this would come, Rocky pinning him down on the floor, his hips pressing into Bin’s, without shame, leaving no room for doubts as to what this was about.

Horizontal tango indeed. 

They did take it to the bedroom after that; there was no point pretending it would end any other way. As they rushed through the living room – sweaty, laughing, Rocky already groping Bin wherever he could reach – Bin dropped to his knees in front of Dongmin and covered the opened page with his hand.

‘Come too, Min.’

But Dongmin shook his head with a rueful smile – I have loads to get through till Monday, I will make it up to you guys in the morning – so they smothered him with kisses until he shoved them away with a laugh, and stumbled towards the bed.

…………………….

Sex with Rocky is always more acrobatic rough and tumble than serene lovemaking, and in the greyish dawn, Bin stretches lazily, noting with satisfaction the pleasant tiredness in his limbs. 

Good. Last night helped him to clear his thoughts but now both Rocky and Dongmin are asleep and no one is here to chase the demons out of his head.

He is having a job interview on Monday.

The thought leaves his chest tight with anxiety, making it hard to breathe.

It’s a debut music video that he might potentially be choreographing. He still works for Rocky but this one would be his project, his baby, and the thought of the possibilities it would open makes his throat constrict.

Ok. It’s definitely time for that bacon. If he has to endure one more minute with his own head for company, he will go crazy. Comfort food, a mundane task to take his mind away from the silence in the apartment – and his own screaming thoughts - and he will be just fine.

He rolls out of bed, sliding a pillow to Rocky’s side for him to press against.

The kitchen is scarily quiet, the sleek worktops pristine and empty, everything put away, the cupboards closed. Bin stares at the immaculate perfection. He did this yesterday, his jittery anxiety overriding the messy chaotic in him and giving him a perfect excuse not to sit down until Rocky and Dongmin exchanged a wordless, worried glance and Rocky put on some music, challenging him to stop cleaning and start dancing.

Bin turns on the coffee maker and sits down at the table. The city behind the windows is already awake but it feels eerie to be sitting in the empty, cavernous room so early on Sunday morning, without Dongmin being the first one up and without Rocky singing in the shower.

When he realises he needs to pee, he feels almost relieved to have something to do, to be on the move. He heads for the bathroom. As he walks through the long hallway, he registers sounds coming from behind the closed bedroom door and for a split of a second his heart lurches with relief – they are getting up – but then he recognises the noises for what they are and sags a little.

Rocky must have woken up after all and it wouldn’t be Rocky if he didn’t leap at the opportunity to have a free morning and Lee Dongmin in his bed at the same time. Who wouldn’t, Bin reasons.

On the way back, he tiptoes carefully past the door, not wanting to be heard. He can't quite pinpoint why he is not in the mood for joining in but doesn’t want to dissect it too much. Too much thinking, not advisable at the moment.

In the kitchen, he goes for the biggest frying pan he can find and takes all the bacon they have out of the fridge. It might not be the healthiest option there is but he needs something mouth-watering, fatty and salty, to make him feel good.

He places the carton of eggs on the counter – he will do that later – and, on impulse, adds a bowl of leftover rice to the neat row of things on the worktop.

He might make kimchi rice too; Rocky will like it.

The smell of bacon soon fills up the room, the pleasant crackling of the fat a true music to his ears. He could have put everything in the oven and make them all at the same time but there is something infinitely satisfying in watching every single bacon piece being cooked, inhaling the aroma of slightly burnt fat.

The plate of ready bacon on the counter is starting to fill up and he hums contentedly and steals one piece, shoving it into his mouth in one go, while flipping the next one in the pan.

Bliss.

‘Binnie?’

He casts a look over his shoulder, but can't quite abandon the pan; there is one piece that is just about to burn if he lets it out of his sight for a second.

‘Hyukkie.’

Rocky slides soundlessly over the kitchen floor, hair a mess and cheeks still flushed. He props his chin on Bin’s shoulder and surveys the spitting pan.

‘Smells nice.’

Bin smiles. ‘Did it wake you up? The smell?’

He knows very well it wasn’t that but he doesn’t mention the sex; it could sound as if he was begrudging Rocky and Dongmin the intimacy – but what he needed this morning was company instead, someone to distract him from himself.

‘Nah, the smell didn’t wake me up.’ 

Rocky slides his arms around Bin’s torso and pulls Bin against him, back to chest. ‘It was you clattering with the pans.’

Bin sputters with fake indignation but Rocky just laughs lazily and hugs him tighter. He smells of Dongmin’s cologne and of morning sex. Bin leans into him and breathes in the bitter saltiness of it, the familiarity.

Rocky’s lips brush his ear. ‘Why are you up so early, Binnie?’

He gestures with the spatula. ‘Hungry?’

Rocky is not fooled. ‘Couldn’t sleep?’

Bin keeps his eyes on the bacon. ‘Yeah, I guess.’

‘Because of Monday?’

‘Maybe.’

His pathetic attempt at being evasive is futile; Rocky can read him like an open book. Bin reckons that more than fifteen years of knowing each other must have something to do with it but, in moments like this, it doesn’t make it any less annoying.

Rocky noses at the tender skin at the nape of his neck. ‘Go back to bed.’

‘Hm?’ 

His pretending that he can't hear is not working; Rocky tightens his grip on him and leans closer to his ear. ‘He wants you, Binnie.’

Something electrifying pulls at Bin’s insides, a shock jolting through his body, and he knows Rocky has noticed his shudder.

‘But - the bacon-‘

Rocky reaches from behind and switches off the hob with a grin that’s not quite innocent.

‘The bacon can wait. Go.’

Bin’s belly grows heavy with want. It tightens just at the mere thought of Dongmin’s body, skin on skin; even that single thought is making him breathe quicker but easier somehow, focused on simpler things, better things, the unpleasant heaviness in his chest gone.

In the end, it’s no rocket science.

‘Fine,’ he smiles at Rocky, dropping the tea towel he has been carrying slung over his shoulder, onto the counter. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Oh, no,’ Rocky shakes his head with a little laugh. ‘Not me, man. My butthole still hurts after yesterday night. I’ll stay here and start on the eggs.’

‘Oh, but -‘ Bin stops in his tracks. ‘I did ask you yesterday- I kept asking you if you were okay and you said you were fin’-

‘I remember what I said and I was fine,’ Rocky emphasises the word fine with an arched eyebrow. ‘Stop worrying.’

‘But I though,’ Bin frowns a little confused, ‘I thought you liked it yesterday – you know, just going with the flow?’

Rocky gives an amused huff.

‘I don’t know if the word flow is the right one. More an express train hurtling down a derailed track, Binnie’ – Bin gasps in indignation at that – ‘but I wasn’t lying when I said I was fine.’

Bin still feels a little bad. ‘I didn’t want to hurt you though.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘But you said your-‘

‘Yes, I said my butthole still hurts and I also said that I was fine yesterday. To use big words,’ Rocky scrunches his nose and chuckles, ‘those two statements are not mutually exclusive.’

Bin’s cheeks heat up when he remembers Rocky’s body underneath him last night. ‘Ok, fine. But you could still come and-‘

‘Oh, god,’ Rocky groans and spins him around. ‘You are thinking way too much for Sunday morning.’

He starts nudging Bin towards the hallway, hands on his back. Bin giggles and pretends to be resisting, and Rocky huffs and puffs and keeps pushing him, until they reach the bedroom door.

‘I’ve got him, Min. He put up a fight but it was futile.’

With a laugh, Rocky gives his back a last push and Bin stumbles over the doorstep.

Dongmin is sprawled on the bed, one arm thrown over his eyes, body slick with sweat.

Bin chuckles a little. ‘You look a bit dead, Min.’

Dongmin lifts up his head lazily. ‘I think Hyuk just fucked my brains out.’

‘Shouldn’t you be fast asleep then?’ Bin giggles. ‘Post-coital bliss and all?’

But Dongmin is already resurfacing, a familiar, sharp grin on his face.

‘I can't fall asleep like this.’

Bin’s eyes slide lower. ‘Ah.’

Of course. Dongmin is still hard, painfully so, and part of Bin wonders why would Rocky leave him hanging like that. There is no chance to ponder the matter any further because Dongmin gets up and crosses the room in three long strides, the languor gone from his movements as if by a flick of a magic wand. He takes Bin in his arms – his expression melting into something softer – and presses his mouth into Bin’s hair.

‘I missed you this morning. We both missed you.’

Bin feels the hardness pressing into his stomach and despite the tenderness of the kiss, there is a sense of urgency – some hidden agenda - in the way Dongmin is holding him. An ulterior motive for what he is doing.

It takes him about two seconds to figure it out. 

‘Are you both trying to distract me from thinking about Monday? That’s why you didn’t want to come – so you can now ‘distract’ me?’ he pulls back a little angrily. ‘Is that it? Don’t pretend it’s not true!’

Dongmin doesn’t return his angry stare, even if Rocky shrinks a little.

‘It’s ok, Binnie,’ Dongmin cups his face and Rocky quietly joins in, running his hands up and down Bin’s back. ‘You are right. We are doing just that.’

In face of such frankness, Bin deflates a little.’ Now that’s great. I’m a charity case.’

Dongmin laughs, the sound like thick honey sliding down Bin’s throat. ‘You are a case I'm always willing to take on.’

‘You really should have become a lawyer,’ mumbles Bin but doesn’t protest when Dongmin pulls him against his chest again.

‘I – we - know you are worried. And that there is no point telling you that you will do well – which you will. You are amazing. An amazing dancer, a great choreographer. But no matter what I say, right now, you won’t believe me, Binnie.’

Bin shuts up after that. Dongmin is right; the darkness in his head, the insecurity after years of struggling and failure – all memories of the golden days before erased – the insecurity is still there, deep-seated and persistent.

He sighs and lets his head fall into the crook of Dongmin’s neck, inhaling his familiar scent.

‘What if we stopped talking now?’

Dongmin's voice is a low rumble, vibrating deep and smooth against Bin’s chest.

‘Would you like to get out of your head a little, Binnie? To stop talking, to stop thinking?’

The words are barely out of Dongmin’s mouth and he is hard already. It must be some stupid Pavlovian response - or maybe not, who knows if one can apply the same rules for sex, not just food.

‘Yeah, I want to,’ he whispers against the softness of Dongmin’s skin, mortified a little at the fact that it took him precisely one tenth of a second to decide. ‘I - I want that.’

They don’t do this very often. Real life – their schedules and tiredness, the wrong mood or lack of time – things get in the way and Bin is almost glad for it; it makes moments like the one that is about to come more special, a rare gift.

Dongmin’s arms around him tighten; his breath stutters a little but when he speaks again, his voice is steady, calm.

‘Let’s play a little,’ he noses at Bin’s temple. ‘And you stop me if it gets too much, ok?’

Bin almost shouts at him - yes, yes, I know my safe word, come on, let’s start – but refrains. Dongmin is so painfully careful and thorough in those matters; sometimes Bin feels like shaking him a little to see if he would loosen up – but then again, it’s what makes Dongmin his safe haven, no matter what they do in bed.

Sex with Rocky is much simpler in that respect; aggressively physical, borderline acrobatic on occasions; Rocky regularly brings him to the point of absolute exhaustion but he never messes with Bin’s mind the way Dongmin does sometimes, to the point when he wants to lie down in front of Dongmin’s feet, roll over and do whatever he sees in Dongmin’s eyes.

Right now, he can't wait to be pinned under Dongmin, to let his mind go absolutely blank.

‘I - I will go then and finish the breakfas-‘

‘Hyuk,’ Dongmin reaches out and although Rocky is almost out of the room, the soft note in his voice makes him stop and turn around. 

‘What?’

‘Stay.’ Dongmin doesn’t let Bin out of his arms but his attention is now full on Rocky. ‘Don’t leave.’

Rocky laughs sweetly. ‘It’s ok. I've just fucked you, Min. I can barely stand. I would probably fall asleep.’

‘You don’t need to stand,’ Dongmin grins. ‘You can just sit, lean back and _watch_.’ 

Dongmin spins Bin around and presses him hard against his chest. His arms sneak around Bin’s torso from behind and start sliding over his front, unhurriedly, all the way to his hips.

‘Do you want Hyuk to stay, Binnie?’ Dongmin’s breath is warm on Bin’s ear. 

Rocky is watching them from the door, face inscrutable, but Bin doesn’t miss the way he licks his lips, the way his eyes follow Dongmin’s hands sliding down Bin’s body, the way his thumbs hook into the waistband of Bin’s PJs, pulling them just that bit lower.

The thing is, Bin wants Rocky to stay. Rocky’s direct gaze, the unabashed message in it – how hot he finds both Dongmin and Bin, how he wants them - is something that he loves, although he would never admit it aloud.

He locks his eyes with Rocky and, god, he grows hard just by watching Rocky’s dilated pupils and his slightly open mouth, the wet lips, never mind Dongmin’s left hand that has slid lower now, gently thumbing the juncture between his thigh and groin, while the other is tracing the outlines of his ribs through the thin fabric of his vest.

‘Binnie,’ Dongmin’s whisper wakes Bin up from his trance. ‘Do you want Hyuk to stay?’

Bin lets his head fall backwards, leaning into Dongmin’s cheek, and closes his eyes for a moment. ‘Yeah, I want him to stay.’

He savours the way Dongmin’s voice softens – would you like to stay, Hyuk, please stay – and judging by the sound of the closing door and a shuffling noise coming closer, Rocky must have decided to join in.

There is a soft touch on his lips and Bin’s eyes fly open. Rocky is standing in front of him, fingertips softly brushing Bin’s mouth – a wordless call for attention.

‘I’ll stay,’ he says simply.

He leans closer and kisses Bin gently on the mouth, then shucks his clothes and, without ceremony, climbs onto the bed. When he settles with his back against the headboard, he locks his gaze with Dongmin, as if challenging him to hurry up.

Behind Bin, Dongmin pulls down Bin’s PJ bottoms. Bin steps out of them, goosebumps prickling his skin.

‘On the bed, Binnie. On your back.’

Dongmin barely waits for him to settle and leans over him, face so close they could kiss yet not close enough. He slides his hands up and down Bin’s arms, watching him intently, like a hunter stalking his prey. 

‘You ok, Binnie?’

He can barely breathe from desire; desire to do anything, to have done anything to him, anything Dongmin wants. 

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

Dongmin smiles. It’s not a soft smile; this one burns Bin’s skin, the heat licking at him from the inside. Dongmin smiles; he grips Bin’s wrists and pulls his arms up, over his head, eyes flicking over to Rocky for a moment.

‘Hold him.’

From behind, Rocky’s hands replace Dongmin’s, pinning his wrists to the bed, stretching his body taut.

Bin’s stomach tightens, in the best way, the breathless anticipation. He is tense, like a bowstring ready to shoot; there will be no space for him to manoeuvre, no wiggle room, right now the only thing for him to do is to follow Dongmin’s lead. Over his head, Dongmin and Rocky hold a brief, wordless conversation and Rocky slides a little closer, gripping Bin’s hands and pulling them towards his waist. Bin obeys, digging his fingers into the softness of Rocky’s sides, and lets his eyes slip shut. 

Rocky’s hands skimming his arms and sides are almost tickling him; but their touch does more than that. When they slide back up, across his nipples in a purposefully slow drag, he arches off the bed, gasping for air.

Rocky silently presses him back down, not a hard push but his hands on Bin’s chest firm enough to send a message. Bin stops straining and sinks back into the mattress.

‘Easy, Binnie. We have time.’

Dongmin’s words, the breath warm against his stomach, make his skin prickle. Dongmin’s touch is different to Rocky’s, heavier somehow, and oddly warm, despite his usually freezing hands.

Bin opens his eyes for a moment – he needs some anchoring because the world is starting to spin with him and they haven’t even done anything yet – and Dongmin immediately understands and slides up. He kisses Bin, softly, gently, allowing him to slow down, to calm down.

‘Shh, it’s ok, Binnie,’ Dongmin licks the corner of his mouth. ‘We have time.’

He slowly pushes Bin’s vest up his torso – Bin has almost forgotten he is still wearing it – but instead of pulling it over his head, Dongmin leaves it bunched up halfway up Bin’s arms, right where it stretches across his face like an improvised blindfold.

Bin’s breath hitches but he forces himself to relax. His senses sharpen; there is a different tinge to the way he can now feel Dongmin’s fingers carefully adjusting the fabric so that it doesn't cover his nose and mouth, to the way he is aware of Dongmin’s body pressing into his own.

‘Is this ok, Binnie?’ Dongmin fingers touch his forehead, brushing Bin’s hair out of the way. Bin knows this is Dongmin’s way of letting him get used to it, giving him a moment to adjust.

‘Yeah,’ he exhales shakily, his whole body so tense he thinks he might combust any second now. He knows better than trying to speed things up though– when Dongmin is calling the shots, the rules for Bin are clear – no touching unless allowed, no talking back, no demands. They might not ‘play’ very often but when they do, there are no negotiations, no moving the goalposts.

Without being able to see, the time speeds up. Dongmin leans down for a kiss again and Bin gulps down a strained lungful of air, kissing Dongmin deeper, harder, trying to lift his hips off the bed and chase that friction – as much as Rocky’s hands and Dongmin’s weight on him allow, which is not much.

But the fact that Bin is not allowed to talk doesn’t mean Dongmin doesn’t understand.

‘Someone is impatient,’ Dongmin laughs softly, a tiny huff of air against Bin’s mouth, and is gone again, lips sliding down Bin’s chest, all the way down to his stomach.

It gets almost too much, almost too good, very quickly - Dongmin’s head in his lap, his lips on him - and Bin moans loudly and then freezes, shocked at the way it echoes in the room, embarrassingly high-pitched and desperate. As if knowing exactly what goes in Bin’s head, Rocky swiftly leans forward and kisses him upside-down, deep and good, muffling any more sounds with the touch of his lips, with the easy slide of his tongue.

The reality in his head is slipping away now; Bin can’t remember what he was worried about before, nothing matters anymore, nothing but Rocky and Dongmin, their hands, their mouths.

His fingers dig into the skin of Rocky’s waist, clutch to him – he is an anchor and their bed is a boat, rocking back and forth; or is it him who is rocking his hips, trying to thrust into Dongmin’s mouth? Bin can't remember; can't think anymore – and then Dongmin is sliding off him, _no_ , _why_ _now_ , and there is another quick exchange somewhere above his body – Hyuck? Yeah, hang on – and Rocky’s mouth disappears for a moment, followed by the sound of someone rummaging in the nightstand, then and a bottle of lube being thrown and landing in someone’s palm: _thunk._

‘Binnie.’

There is no need for Dongmin to say more; Bin opens his legs without hesitation and Dongmin slides his palms underneath him, fingers flexing for the briefest of moments in the soft flesh of Bin’s ass, then slowly spreading him further.

Bin keens and would probably surge and grab Dongmin and make him to hurry the fuck up but Rocky, with some sort of sixth sense, must have picked up on his brewing rebellion and leans forward, trapping him down under his torso. 

Bin’s face is pressed against Rocky’s stomach and he scrapes his teeth furiously against the velvety skin, licking at it, tasting the sweaty saltiness of it.

Between his legs, Dongmin’s hands are gone, but he is pressing light kisses alongside Bin’s inner thigh and then – finally – one slick finger slides inside.

After that, it’s a haze of Rocky’s breathy pants against his hip bone and Bin pressing his lips into the quivering muscles of Rocky’s stomach, and Dongmin pushing his forehead against Bin’s knee, groaning, while his fingers stretch him, fast and relentless, almost on the verge of pain but never really hurting him.

By now, Bin doesn’t care about how needy his whines sound or how pathetic he must look, leaking onto his stomach, thighs shaking – right now, he needs Dongmin inside him, he needs Dongmin to touch him, to make him feel good, to make his mind go empty.

When Dongmin’s fingers slide out and Rocky straightens up above him, sliding back again, Bin sobs out and Dongmin runs a soothing hand up and down his shin.

‘You ok, Binnie?’

‘Yeah,’ he gasps, sounding desperate even to his own ears. ‘I’m fine, I just-‘

Rocky’s hands pin his wrists against the mattress just that little bit harder; Dongmin’s grip on his leg tightens, a subtle warning. ‘Do you need to say your safe word, Binnie?’

‘No,’ he pants, ‘no, I don’t, I’m fine – ‘

‘So shh,’ Dongmin places a heavy hand on Bin’s belly. ‘Let go, Binnie.’

Bin sucks in a lungful of breath and exhales slowly, making himself go pliant under Dongmin’s touch.

‘See? That’s better.’ There is a hint of a smile in Dongmin’s voice. ‘Don’t worry about anything, Binnie. I’ve got you.’

Both of Dongmin’s hands are gripping his waist now, as heavy as Dongmin’s voice. ‘I’ve got you, Binnie, I’ve got you, baby. I love you, I love you so much-‘

That’s how Bin knows Dongmin is losing it too – it’s in the raw sincerity of his words, in the way his voice cracks, in the way he slides up Bin’s body and traps him under his weight.

He can't hold himself spread for Dongmin, the way he would love to, because his arms are still above his head, Rocky’s hands on his wrists holding him firmly – but he does his best and Dongmin sighs into his mouth, a single shuddery breath, and pushes in.

Bin cries out. He doesn’t give a damn anymore about how loud he is, whether the neighbours will hear; he could shout himself hoarse because of how good it feels – finally – to be stretched, to be full, to feel Dongmin’s thrusts, so powerful that he slides a couple of inches up the bed after each one of them, the brain shutting down completely, one single thought left – to come.

Bin is vaguely aware of Rocky’s groans behind him - he must have slid rather close to him because his fingers suddenly hit something soft and warm, the tender skin of Rocky’s thigh.

He gropes blindly behind his head and Rocky guides his fingers and boy, Rocky is hard like a rock – which Bin thinks it’s funny, even his fogged-up brain can register that – hard and desperate to come, despite all his shenanigans with both of them earlier. 

Covering Bin’s hand with his, Rocky takes the lead. Bin is grateful; with everything that’s going on, it’s too overwhelming to know what to focus on so he simply lets both Dongmin and Rocky do what they want and drowns in the sensation.

Above him, Dongmin is close. Bin knows it; it’s in the way he pants, in the way he buries his face in the crook of Bin’s neck, how his body starts spasming at the very last moment.

To hell with not talking.

‘I love you, Min,’ he whispers into his hair. ‘Come.’

Dongmin grunts into his neck, a low guttural sound, and Bin’s insides are flooded with warmth, Dongmin gasping for breath against his skin.

For a moment, they lie still, Dongmin still shuddering on top of him, then Dongmin must register Rocky’s plight and pulls out and slides off, although he keeps a reassuring hand on Bin’s chest. ‘Hyukkie?’ 

Bin moans in frustration. He feels empty, and so hard it hurts, and no Dongmin to help him out. When he feels the bed dip next to him, he frantically turns his head, desperate to make sense of things, but his brain is confused, everything enveloped in a layer of thick fog. 

Behind him Rocky lets go of his hands for some inexplicable reason; then it’s Dongmin again, taking Rocky’s place, his hands stroking his wrists, some murmured words-

Something brushes against his lips.

‘Open up, Binnie.’

Obediently, Bin opens his mouth; he knows what’s coming - but the angle is awkward and then – oh – there is someone’s mouth on him – oh god - the heat of another body hovering over him, the feel so good he almost blacks out.

‘You are doing so well, Binnie.’ 

It’s Dongmin’s voice behind him, his fingers stroking his wrists, the grip loose, merely to remind him what to do. Dongmin knows he doesn’t need to restrain him; he knows Bin would do anything right now, anything to please, anything to be told he is _good_. 

‘You are amazing, Binnie.’

Dongmin’s words barely get to him through the thick haze of pleasure because Rocky is close now, thrusting fast into Bin’s mouth, while doing something incredible with his tongue – and then Bin’s fingers above his head twist in the sheets and his toes curl and he is coming into the tight, wet hotness of Rocky’s mouth and he would probably cry out loud, even with his mouth full, but Rocky follows him only a split of a second later.

He swallows, eyes watering, and is only dimly aware of Rocky doing the same, then climbing off him and collapsing by his side, arms slung over his calf, a dead weight.

Silence settles over the room. Bin can barely make sense of where his own body begins or ends, when a gentle weight presses into his other side.

Dongmin’s fingers slowly push the fabric away from his eyes and pull it off. Although curtains are still drawn, the light almost blinds Bin’s eyes. He blinks into Dongmin’s face, dazed, and stretches his arms, then hugs himself tight because he needs something to hold onto, to ground himself.

‘How are you feeling, Binnie? Are you ok?’

Dongmin’s face above him is tender, hovering a little uncertainly, as if waiting for a permission to touch him. 

‘Are you ok, Binnie?’

‘I’m fine, Min, I’m fine; it was so good, it felt so good-‘

It’s the last straw, the relief written all over Dongmin’s face; Bin starts shivering and is only mildly embarrassed when tears start spilling from his eyes, running down his temples and soaking into his hair.

He presses his face against Dongmin’s chest. Dongmin wraps his arms around him and whispers soothing noises and sweet nonsense into his hair until his sobs die down, until his breathing evens out and he lies limply in Dongmin’s arms.

Gently, Dongmin extricates himself from Bin and pushes damp strands of hair off Bin’s forehead. ‘I will get something to clean you up – and to get a blanket for Rocky.’ 

Bin lifts up his head and sees that Rocky is fast asleep, one arm still clutching his leg, face pressed against Bin’s ankle. 

They both smile. Dongmin quietly gets up and brings a blanket that he wraps around Rocky’s body, careful not to wake him up. With a warm cloth, he cleans Bin up, then slides back into bed with him, pulling the covers over them.

‘Are you good, Binnie?’

Bin rubs his face into Dongmin’s chest. ‘It was perfect.’

‘Is anything hurting?’

Bin runs a mental check of his body, then shakes his head. ‘No. I’m fine, Min. honestly.’

‘Good,’ there is relief in Dongmin’s voice. ‘You would tell me, right, if we did something that was too much?’

‘Of course,’ Bin slings his arm over Dongmin and cuddles closer. ‘Stop worrying, Min.’

‘I worry because I love you.’

Something warm spreads in Bin’s chest. ‘I love you too, Min.’

‘And I love you both to bits; can you be quiet though? I’m trying to sleep. I’m the only one who managed three rounds since last night, and I’m exhausted!’

Bin looks over where Rocky is giving them a deadly glare and snorts. ‘You should get a medal, Hyuck.’

‘I should,’ Rocky nods without a trace of irony, then presses his face to Bin’s leg again. ‘Go to sleep.’

Bin and Dongmin look at each other with a grin. ‘Yeah, let’s. Let’s sleep.’

Bin wraps his arms around Dongmin and breathes him in. ‘I love Sundays. Don’t you?’

Dongmin smiles into his hair. ‘Me too.’

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last year when I posted this, a brilliant writer whom I talked to about it said, ‘A poly fic without smut? How intriguing!’
> 
> B., I think I have remedied that now :-D


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